


Only Myself to Fear

by aye_of_newt



Series: Vague AU [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Other, Post-Canon, With some AU, brief mentions of past (canonical) violence, the healing power of ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS, the whole gang is there but they don't really talk much so I'm not tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aye_of_newt/pseuds/aye_of_newt
Summary: After Vanya loses control and hurts someone, Klaus and Ben talk to her about fear and powers.





	Only Myself to Fear

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place about six months post-canon in my Vague AU. 
> 
> The Vague AU follows canon EXCEPT :  
> 1) Vanya doesn't destroy the house and  
> 2) they save the world without becoming kids.
> 
> \+ additional backstory

There was a reason that Luther wasn’t in charge of Vanya’s training. Despite his softer heart and generally better sense of human decency, Luther had a lot in common with their father when it came to his expectations and standards for performance. He was a demanding teacher, which was exactly what Vanya  _ didn’t _ need when trying to work on controlling her emotionally-driven powers. So it really should not have been a surprise to anyone when the rare session they had together devolved into shouting on Luther’s part and a loss of telekinetic control on Vanya’s.

The outburst had taken down a large bookcase directly onto Luther’s back, knocking the wind out of him and cutting his scolding off mid-rant. Vanya was immediately horrified, apologizing over and over again while Diego, who ran in at the sound of the shouting, helped to lift the bookcase off of Luther. Fine if not a little bruised, Luther was cowed by his loss of temper and tried to reassure her that it was ok. But as soon as she saw that he was not critically injured, Vanya ran to her room, sobbing.

Allison was naturally the one to follow her, after first ensuring that Luther was relatively unharmed. After only a few minutes she returned, shaking her head when the others asked if she’d talked to Vanya. 

_ She wouldn’t open the door,  _ Allison scribbled on her whiteboard. (The pads of paper had quickly become impractical.) 

“I’ll go talk to her,” Luther said, raising from the chair Mom had put him in to ice his back. 

Allison shot him a look and he sat down. 

“Just give her some time to cool off,” Diego advised. 

There was a general nod of consensus from the siblings, and Five and Diego wandered off back to whatever they had been doing before the shouting had broken out. Allison drew up a chair next to Luther and appeared to be giving him a scolding from the furious scribbling she was doing on her board. 

Klaus, who had come to see what all the fuss was about, uncharacteristically said nothing, which no one seemed to notice. Still silent, he slipped out of the kitchen and crept upstairs. 

 

Quietly approaching Vanya’s room, Klaus could hear muffled crying coming from inside. He hesitated and looked at Ben, who nodded and motioned for him to continue. Klaus knocked.

“I told you to go away, Allison,” Vanya choked out, her voice cracking and rough.

“It’s not Allison,” Klaus answered, softly. There was a long pause and Klaus shifted uncomfortably again. He wasn’t used to doing this. “Can I come in?” 

Only a few sniffles came in response and Klaus was about to turn away when Vanya croaked, “Okay.”

Somewhat surprised, Klaus collected himself and opened the door slowly. Vanya was sitting on her bed, clutching a pillow, her eyes swollen and nose red. She gave a few shaky breaths, looking at Klaus uncertainty as she wiped at her face with her sleeve. 

“Hey,” he said awkwardly. 

“Hey?” She stared at him, not sure why he was there, or why exactly she’d let him in.

“Can I sit?” Klaus asked, still hovering in the doorway, just as uncertain as Vanya. 

She nodded and he closed the door behind him, crossing the room. Vanya moved over slightly, making room for him on the bed. Klaus toed off his shoes and sat next to her, drawing his legs up to mirror hers. It was quiet again for a minute.

“Luther is okay, you know,” he said finally.

Vanya’s breath hitched again and Klaus quickly continued, “You know he’s a giant. That bookshelf knocked the wind out him, but he jumped right back up like a creepy-ass Jack-in-the-box. He has like, a bruise at most. And anyway, it’s good for him to get roughed up every once in while. Reminds him how the rest of us feel.”

Vanya looked unconvinced, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks as she squeezed her knees tighter. 

“He’s not mad,” Klaus told her quietly before grinning, “He actually feels pretty bad. Luther, of all people, admitted he was wrong. Gasp, I know. Said he realized that yelling at you to focus probably wasn’t the teaching tactic.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Vanya cut in sorrowfully. She shook her head, not looking at Klaus. “I lost control.  _ Again.  _ I-I  _ hurt _ him.” Her voice cut off as she began crying in earnest again.

“Woah, woah, hey,” Klaus scooted forward, hesitating for a minute before he patted her shoulder somewhat stiffly. “I told you, he’s totally fine. Luther’s a super-human, remember?”

“But what if it  _ wasn’t  _ Luther?” Vanya wailed, “It could have been Five, or Diego, or-or  _ Allison _ .” She was verging on distraught and Klaus could barely understand her as she continued, “They’re not strong like- like Luther. I could have  _ killed _ them. I would never be able to forgive myself.”

“Nice to know where I stand,” Klaus said sarcastically, intending to lighten the mood. Vanya didn’t appear to appreciate his humor and began bawling harder, trying to apologize. 

“Whoah, whoah, hey! I was joking! I was joking,” Klaus quickly backtracked. “It’s ok, it’s ok” he soothed awkwardly, rubbing her arms while she cried. He look at Ben desperately and got a helpless shrug in response. Klaus rolled his eyes at him and went back to trying to calm Vanya with stilted reassurances. 

After a few minutes she began to calm down again and Klaus drew back to giver her space. Looking around, he spotted a box of tissues on the desk and got up briefly to retrieve them, handing one to Vanya as he sat back down. She blew her nose loudly and dapped at her eyes, taking several shaky breaths.

“Thanks,” she finally whispered. 

“Anytime,” Klaus told her gently. Quiet fell for a moment before he said, “I know you feel bad Vanya, but it really is ok. No one was seriously hurt, and no one is mad at you.”

“But someone _ could  _ have been—”

Klaus cut her off, “But no one _ was.  _ You can’t spend your whole life worrying about what could have happened.”

“But what if it happens again? I could lose control and next time it might be worse. I  _ hurt _ our brother. I’m a  _ monster.” _

“Hey,” Klaus cut her off sharply. “You are not a monster, Vanya. It was an accident. In case you’ve never heard, those happen. You’re acting like you’re the first one to lose control of your powers. Remember that time Dad was away on some business trip and we got that huge blizzard? And Mom let us go outside and we had a snowball fight? Remember how Diego accidentally threw one so hard he gave Ben a concussion?”

Vanya nodded slowly, her lips twitching slightly. Even with the somewhat violent ending, that snowball fight had been one of the most innocent and “normal” afternoons they had spent at the Academy.

“Or that time I was sparing with Luther, and he grabbed my arm so hard he broke the bone?” Klaus continued. Vanya flinched, that memory was less pleasant. Klaus sighed, “My point is, everyone makes mistakes when they’re learning to control their powers, and yours are a lot stronger than most. It makes sense you’d have a harder time controlling them.”

“But you guys were kids when all that happened,” Vanya protested. “I’m an adult, I shouldn’t be losing it like this.”

“Luther had fifteen years of training when he broke my arm,” Klaus said seriously, “you’ve been at it for six _months_. And after a lifetime of repressing everything. I think you’re doing pretty good, considering.”

Vanya stared down at her lap and whispered, “But none of you ever did lasting damage.”

Klaus rolled his eyes, “For the hundredth time, Vanya. Luther is  _ fine _ .”

“I wasn’t talking about Luther. I almost  _ killed  _ Allison, and she is going to be scared for life. I stole her voice and her powers away from her. I-” her breathing began to pick up again and Klaus quickly cut in.

“You don’t know that for sure yet. The doctor said she’s healing well, way faster than expected. Remember? She said that so far the scarring was minimal and there is still a chance that Allison could get her voice back.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Vanya shook her head, drawing back into herself. “What I did is unforgivable. I can’t be trusted. I don’t know why you haven’t locked me away.”

“You’re our sister, Vanya,” Klaus told her desperately. “We are not going to put you in that basement cage from hell. Besides, I’m pretty sure that what Allison did to you would count as ‘lasting damage.’”

Vanya gasped in shock, jerking away from Klaus and scrambling off the bed, taking several steps back. “How could you  _ say _ that?” she wailed. “What I _ did, _ it was  _ unforgivable _ . Allison was just a _ child, _ she didn’t know what she was doing! I-I—”

Klaus held out his arms in a calming gesture, pleading, “Vanya, I’m sorry, ok? Ok? I shouldn’t have said that, just calm down, ok?” The last thing they needed was for Vanya to lose control again, if for no reason other than she would be even more traumatized if she did. 

Vanya didn’t listen, clawing at her hair as she said,  “My powers are too terrible. Maybe I should just go back to taking those pills that Dad gave me. It was better when I didn’t have these abilities. I couldn’t hurt anyone.”

“Hey!” Klaus cut her off firmly, refusing to let the train of self hatred go any further. He stood too and closed the gap between them, grabbing her wrists and pulling her hands away from her scalp before she hurt herself any further. “You are  _ not _ taking any more of those pills.  _ Ever _ . What Dad did to you was wrong, Vanya.”

“But-”

“No. Drugging yourself to avoid your powers is not the answer, Vanya. Believe me, I know.”

Vanya looked to him suddenly, as if remembering, or realizing for the first time, exactly how he would know. Klaus looked her straight in the eyes, continuing more seriously than she had ever seen him before, “I know that our situations aren’t exactly the same, my powers could never lash out at someone else. But I do know what it’s like to be afraid of what’s inside you. And I know that drugging yourself into oblivion is not the answer. Those pills will  _ not  _ help you to control your powers, they will just suppress them, keep them locked up with all of your fear and pain. And when you do that Vanya, when keep all of that buried, it will eat you from the inside until there is _ nothing  _ left. It is a living hell, Vanya. You are my sister and I love you. So there is no fucking way in hell that I am letting you do that to yourself."

Vanya stared at Klaus, looking trapped between comprehension and confusion. “You’re afraid of your powers?” she whispered finally.

Klaus blinked, his arms dropped to his sides as he drew back slightly. “Um, yeah?” he said slowly, now confused himself. “What did you think the self-medicating was for?”

Vanya looked away and blushed, lowering her head. Klaus suddenly remembered the comments he’d read in her book and felt his stomach turn. She hadn’t dug very deep into the reason for his drug use, and he’d had some hope, some faith, that Vanya had held back in a form of respect. Until then, Klaus had been grateful for it, and hadn’t been able to get quite as mad about the book as his other siblings were, believing that she had granted him at least some privacy. 

“I thought,” Vanya admitted slowly, “that it was about getting attention.” Klaus flinched and she continued quickly, “At least when it started. And then...” she trailed off slightly, “When you realized that it stopped your powers...that you started using them purposefully to make yourself,” anther beat of hesitation, “ _ not _ -useful. I thought it was your way of trying to escape Dad. That you thought that if you didn’t have your powers anymore, he would let you go.”

It was quiet for a long moment. Klaus slowly sank back down on the bed, hunching his shoulders slightly as he said, “Well I can’t deny that that was a pleasant side effect. But getting away from Dad wasn’t the reason why I used, at least not directly anyway. I admit that the first time I drank, it was to be rebellious. But when I realized that being drunk made the ghosts go away, Vanya? That was the thing that hooked me. After those first couple of blissful hours where the dead weren’t following me around,  _ screaming _ , or begging me to help them when I couldn’t, I knew I would do anything to feel that absolute peace again. But my tolerance got higher and higher, and I got more and more addicted to the quiet and to the drugs, and,” Klaus shrugged helplessly.

“Klaus,” Vanya’s voice broke as she sank next to him, “I didn’t realize—”

“It’s fine,” he cut her off, switching abruptly into his usual flippant attitude.  “It’s not like you were included enough to know what was going on so, not your fault.” He wasn’t looking at her anymore.

“I should have seen, or at least, I should have asked,” Vanya said quietly, reaching out and taking his hand. 

“It’s ok,” Klaus whispered back, looking her in the eyes again, “I’m sorry too. For never asking if  _ you _ were ok.”

Vanya nodded rapidly, a few tears sliding down her cheeks, “You’re asking now,” she whispered. 

Klaus gave her a watery smile and squeezed her hand back. “With that thought, enough about me,” he joked in a near imitation of his usual flair, “Do you need to talk about why you were so upset today, besides Luther being an ass?”

Vanya laughed weakly, “I just—” she started helplessly, “I just can’t control my powers like I need to. I either lose control and everything goes wild, or I can’t do anything at all. It’s just so frustrating. I feel like a failure.”

“You are not a failure, Vanya,” Klaus told her. “Remember what I said? You’ve only been at this for  _ six months _ . You’re doing, like, unbelievable well. In just _ six months _ you’ve gone from literally apocalyptic loss of control at the sight of us, to knocking over a bookcase when Luther _ directly  _ provoked you. That’s amazing.”

Vanya shook her head, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I could still lose control again, I could still cause the end of the world, I don’t know how you can be so calm about this.”

“Vanya,” Klaus said patiently, “If there is one thing that I understood from Five’s crazy calculations, it’s that literally anything and anyone can Change-the-Course-of-History-for-All time,” he shrugged, “So in one timeline you destroyed the world, so what? It could have happened to anyone. Besides, I thought that time travel was supposed to disrupt the ‘continuum’ or something? At least that’s what Doc Brown said. So Five is probably going to like, blow up the whole universe or something. And that’s  _ way  _ worse than blowing up  _ one planet _ . So if you think about it Vanya, you’re not the most ‘dangerous’ person on Earth. Hell, you’re not even the most dangerous person in this family.” 

Vanya looked at him like he was crazy but amusing, “Thanks?”

“Anytime,” he grinned, looking pleased with himself. 

 

“Klaus?” Ben’s voice was quiet as he interrupted from the corner of the room. Klaus looked at him guiltily, he’d been so focused on Vanya he’d forgotten him. “Can I talk to her?” he asked, not seeming to hold Klaus’ inattentiveness against him. 

Klaus nodded and turned his attention to Vanya. “Ben wants to talk to you.” Vanya’s eyes widened, scanning the room for his ghost. “I’m going to try to make him corporal,” he told her, shifting away so that his feet rested flat on the floor, grounding himself as he closed his eyes and focused. After a moment, he felt the energy spark and he fanned it, nursing the connection into a flame. Feeling the link pulse through him, Klaus opened his eyes and saw Ben flicker slowly into view. 

“Hey, Vanya,” he said, his voice sounding very quiet and slightly staticky, as if speaking on a phone with poor reception. Klaus had improved his powers significantly in the past six months, but he still couldn’t bring Ben’s voice over exactly right. 

“Hey, Ben” she whispered back. Despite the increasing regularity with which Klaus was able to bring Ben into view, the other siblings were not yet used to seeing their dead brother standing in front of them. 

He smiled softly at her, saying, “I wanted to let you know that I know what it’s like too. My powers terrified me.” 

“I know.”

“I was a little more obvious I guess,” Ben admitted, his gaze flicking slightly to Klaus before he gave his serious attention to Vanya again. “You know I hated hurting people, Vanya. That’s why I left. But I was able to control my powers, though granted that was mostly out fear of what would happen if I didn’t, but that’s not important.” He shook his head, refocusing. “What _ is _ important, is that I learned that powers aren’t inherently good or bad, what matters is what you do with them. I didn’t have a lot of time without Dad there telling me how to use my powers, and I admit that it wasn’t until after I died that I really figured of all this out. When I was alive, I didn’t like to use my powers because it meant that people would be hurt. I was never able to justify the harm I did with the crimes we prevented. Until I wasn’t able to protect anyone.

“For years, I had to watch as people who I loved were hurt,” his gaze flicked back to Klaus for a moment, who flinched slightly, looking away, “and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. When you were all fighting those time-police, or whatever the hell you call them, I was horrified, because I had to watch as my family was attacked. I thought I was going to watch you all  _ die, _ which despite my good looks, is not at all fun. When Klaus brought me through, I did not hesitate to use my powers to protect you, even though I had sworn that I would never use them again. 

“You remember what it is like to feel powerless, Vanya. I know that you understand the fear and the helplessness that comes with being unable to protect someone you love. I know that you want to be able to protect your family like they have protected you. Your powers are going to allow you to do that. So don’t be afraid of them. Learn to control them and then use them to do the good that you want to do.”

The room was very quiet as Vanya sniffed and wiped at the stray tears that had fallen down her cheeks while Klaus ducked his head to hide his own watery eyes. “Not to sound too much like a celebrity self-help book,” Ben added awkwardly, trying to break the tension.

Klaus gave a stiff laugh and Vanya a weak smile as she said, “You don’t sound like a lame book, Ben. You’re right.” She looked down at her hands, adding, “I _ do _ know what it’s like to watch your family be attacked and be helpless to stop it. I experienced it when we were kids and you were on missions, and again as an adult when Cha-Cha and Hazel attacked the Academy. Yeah, part of me was just angry that I wasn't included, but the sister part of me was angry that I could do nothing to help you or protect our home. I always felt like more of a burden than anything.”

“Hey,” Klaus cut in quickly, “We never thought of you as a burden, Vanya.”

She looked doubtful and he relented slightly, “It may have seemed like that sometimes, I know. But when Luther, or anyone else, was yelling at you to stay out of the way, it was because we were scared that you were going to be hurt. We didn't know that you were capable of defending yourself. I’m sorry that we weren’t always more clear about that, Vanya, but please believe that it came out of love. Sometimes, when you’re scared, it just comes out as anger.”

Vanya slumped, “I _do_ know,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”  

“No need to apologize, Vanya,” Ben told her, coming to sit on her other side. “We’re all a little emotionally stunted in this family. It’s a time-honored Hargreeves tradition.”

“Well, shit,” Klaus joked, “Here I thought our family was a disaster, but we’re just like normal people! We have family traditions and everything!” 

“Yeah, just wait for next month,” Vanya added, laughing, “we can join in with everyone else talking about our dysfunctional family Thanksgiving.”

“And if it goes well and no one gets stabbed,” Ben said in mock excitement, “We can look forward to a Christmas blow-out!”

“I call being on Vanya’s side of the argument!” Klaus touched his nose quickly. “Nose goes!”

It was quiet for a moment as Vanya and Ben looked at him in surprise. Ben made a slightly frantic motion across his neck and Klaus froze. “Too soon?” he asked, grimacing. 

Vanya blinked again before suddenly bursting into laughter. Relieved and somewhat surprised, Ben and Klaus joined her a beat later. 

It was several minutes before they calmed down again. Every time they would begin to wind down, someone would make eye contact with someone else and the laughing would start again. When they finally stopped, they were wiping tears from their eyes and their sides ached. 

The three of them stayed in Vanya’s room for the rest of the afternoon, making rather inappropriate jokes about the ridiculous nature of their childhood, and their current lives for that matter. With somewhat illogical joy, they reminisced about the few bright moments they had when they were young, and found ways to make the dark eons that stretched between those sunny seconds funny in their absurdity. 

As the shadows grew long across the flood, the other Hargreeves siblings gathered together downstairs, staring blank looks and shrugs as peels of laughter and excited voices echoed from upstairs. The Academy was happier now than it had ever been when they were children, but the sound of laughter was still an all too precious scarcity in the walls of their home. No one was willing to do anything that might silence it. 

There were things that needed to be talked about, revised training plans to be drawn, and apologies to be made. But those things could wait until tomorrow. For now, the Hargreeves gathered in two groups, one upstairs and one down, and felt at peace in a house that glowed with light and laughter, long into the dark night outside. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! This ending was like pulling teeth to get out so I hope its not too terrible/lame/cheesy/etc. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Any feedback is very appreciated <3


End file.
